. . . it all started on April Fool’s Day

Doug Pickford, ex editor of The Macclesfield Express, casts a wry eye over Cheshire East plans to transfer its assets

It is a millennium and more since Sidric the Squinty-Eyed, plus boatloads of his comrades in arms, dumped themselves upon those plebians inhabiting the Eastern lands of Legeceasterscir. Then, in 2009, East Cheshire Unitary Authority resumed where old Squinty-Eyed had left off.

Although, in the year 987, chaos and anguish was brought to this region, the Viking interlopers did have the good manners to sail away when the coffers were emptied, heading back along the Dane, Weaver and Mersey rivers, to pastures new, hell-bent on imposing misery and mayhem on some other unfortunates. Unfortunately, when the Unitary Authority hoards appeared, they have lingered.

There have been other calamitous occurrences within this long-suffering land. The year 1066 saw William the Bastard emptying local Saxon coffers, Civil Wars divided families and fortunes, Bonny Prince Charlies tartan army took everything but the goalpost from Macclesfield, and so it goes. 

Until it all kicked off again.

Let’s fast forward to the second half of the twentieth century when the dedicated followers of fashion endured Crimplene (made and invented in Macclesfield), males strutted their stuff in their bell-bottomed trousers whilst sporting sideburns and comb-overs, and ladies displayed every imaginable shade of brown attire whilst wearing American Tan tights the colour of Donald Trump. Cherry B was the must-have drink dispensed from insignificant bottles.

 It was during the Ides of March in 1973 that a Mini-Me clone of our Sidric descended upon this fair land. It answered to the name of Macclesfield Borough Council, another unwanted and unwelcome intruder. This amalgamation of smaller authorities resulted in the township of Macclesfield having to make the most of becoming what was a parish council and pride was hurting. The sugar-coated placebo of being ‘allowed’ to have its own mayor soothed some of the savaged breasts for a while.

Despite enduring Dark Ages of Despair, worse was still to come. On a fateful day in 2009 the cuckoo in the nest was hatched. The Lord of Misrule was upon us. The Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse were galloping towards these Cheshire peaks and plains. The East Cheshire Unitary Authority was thrust upon us.

Throughout the sad and sorry days of its reign, plagues of misery and mayhem have been sent from the gods culminating in inept choices, astonishing deeds, and overwhelming senselessness. Unsurprisingly, officers have been abandoning ship as fast as more of our money is being wasted. We are being forewarned of absurd events to come. Bankruptcy is a distinct possibility.

In desperation, the remedy postulated is feeble in the extreme: to offer ‘assets’ to smaller councils and voluntary bodies. The Localism Act (2011) provides the legislation to allow the transfer of assets. The act sets out a series of measures with the potential to offer rights and powers for local councils, charitable trusts, voluntary bodies, and others to be able to make decisions for themselves and take responsibility to benefit their local communities. In other words, Macclesfield Town Council would be able to buy back that which has been taken away and is, rightfully, already owned by Maxonians. There is a sturdy amount of silver somewhere that once was cherished by Macclesfield, not to mention priceless historical documents and the like that was removed to the land of who knows where at this time.

It is tantamount to selling the family silver back to the family from which it had been taken, an act much more than an insult it is acknowledgement of abject failure.

If Old Sidric should be looking down from his warrior heaven from the place he knows as Valhalla, he may well be proud of the despoilment perpetrated today. 

It is a mess, and we must all share in a burden of shame for not having taken more notice of the day when the new East Cheshire authority began. It was April Fools’ Day.